Despair, Inc writes the best marketing copy. No wonder I purchase their wall calendars every year.
2013 was, by most people’s estimations, a total bust. The sort of thing my Mom used to call, “One great big walking, talking, non-stop series of disappointments and letdowns” (although, in her case, she was referring to me. Long story. Really funny. Not the time…)
If you’re wondering WHY 2013 left you feeling like you’d be beaten up, robbed, then presented an itemized bill for your pains, well, I’ve got one word.
You had some. And it’s just now, at the end of yet another miserable year, that you’re beginning to question the wisdom of that particularly strategy, since it’s pretty much failed you non-stop since the Year 2000, the year you realized, to your outright shock, that you’re actually not a world-class stock picker, that you majored in something that not only pays poorly and makes you hate a subject you formerly loved, but also will soon by done by robots or Chinese peasants. Among other revelations.
So now, at the end of an epically crummy year, lucidity once again threatens to emerge, turning you into the full-fledged cynic and pessimist you so desperately need to be to break out of this horrible cycle of dumb.
But very soon, you’ll find yourself surrounded by happy-go-luckies and hope junkies, all talking themselves into New Year’s Resolutions. Losing weight. Getting a better job. Finding love. And other endeavors doomed to failure.
Let us help. We’ve got just the products you need to fight these self-destructive impulses all year long. And, in the spirit of the season (i.e. feigned goodwill motivated by avarice), we’re offering discounts on our best tools for fighting New Year’s Resolution Syndrome.
First up, the daily calendar that gives you a reason to despair every single day of the year! You can get either version of our tear-off calendar, “The Pessimist” for 40% off when you use the code “iresolvenottoresolve” on any order of $15 or more.
You can also save 40% on our 2014 Wall Calendars on any order of $15 or more. It’s our most despair-packed Demotivator calendar EVER- with over 100 depressing historical dates AND four free additional prints inside! Just use the coupon code “thewall”.
You can also save 50% on Demotivator Posters on an order of $15 or more: Just use the code “ifthesewallscouldcry”.
Yes, we have a lot of other products that might help you resist the siren song of optimism— but we’re having to resupply after the holiday season, so stocks are too low to offer discounting at the moment. We’ll get around to it eventually.
Meanwhile, we do truly hope your 2014 is better than your 2013 was! (It is, after all, theoretically possible. Just like it was theoretically possible I’d be popular in high school, go to an Ivy League School, end up becoming a neurosurgeon and totally be the pride of the family. I don’t have to tell you how that turned out.)